Raising kids is hard work. We parents scour the internet looking for advice on how to best raise our kids in order for them to be kind, self confident, hard working, generous children. We look for confirmation that what we are doing is right, but with so many ‘expert’ opinions out there, all with very different views on what is the ‘right’ way to raise our kids, who do we believe?
The thing is, no matter what advice we listen to. No matter how much we make mistakes. No matter what we do, our kids will turn out to be them. I have seen many children come through the schools that I have worked in, all with different parents and different parenting styles, and the kids, are their own people. Sometimes they follow in their parents footprints, good or bad, and sometimes they forge their own way through life, despite mistakes that are made by parents or other situations in their life. We as parents have to take a step back. Breath. tell ourselves that we are doing our best, and get on with being with our kids.
We try to not permanently damage our kids by making sure they never fail. Taking the winning and losing out of games, because we are afraid our children’s lives will be damaged by the slightest blow to their ego. I can tell you with 100% certainty that left to do their own games in the playground, winners and losers will be a fact of life, (races, tag, 4 square, tether ball…) and why shouldn’t it be? When we grow up, do we have jobs that make sure everyone gets that promotion? does everyone get that high paying job? Can everyone be a basketball player in the NBA? No! Of course not! People work hard to get those things, and other people work hard and don’t get them. How is a child going to deal with life as they grow up if they cant learn from mistakes, learn to work hard and get rewarded for that effort. We aren’t helping our children by sparing their feelings, we are actually allowing them to grow into teens, or even adults that don’t know how to deal with failure or loss. They don’t know that they should work to better themselves, or that they even need to better themselves.
going further with that thought…who in their right mind thought the zero tolerance policy was a good idea in schools? I grew up in schools with that philosophy, and it backfired on me in a big way. I will admit that the majority of the time it takes two to fight. I will also admit that the zero tolerance policy is a quick and easy way to make sure that everything is the least disruptive to the classes. The teachers, principals, parents don’t have to take sides, all they have to do is believe both children and case solved. The problem is that this theory doesn’t always hold water. Take me for example. When I was in grade 7 I was in a new school. Within a month of school starting two other kids came up to me and tried to pick a fight (they didn’t like that I was playing on some equipment they wanted and, in their opinion, didn’t get off fast enough). I followed the rules to a T, but the system didn’t work. I walked away, the two boys followed. I tried to get a teacher to help, the boys cornered me and started beating me. with nowhere to go I had two choices…I could fight, or I could let them pound on me until they got board, I passed out or someone in charge just happened to come by (all the other kids on the playground, save 1, came to see the show (my 1 hero went against the grain and tried to get an adult for me). I took my beating, after all we were told time and time again that there was NO excuse for fighting. When the principal finally did come out, I got reprimanded, just like the other boys, because, after all, it takes two to fight. doesn’t it?
From then till my graduating day I was tormented by a group of boys and girls (as was my older brother). I had my hair set on fire, curb stomped until I passed out, stabbed, beat up weekly, had desks dropped on my head, after being tripped, and that was just grade 7. Things got much worse after that. Syringes, throwing stars, cars, death threats, were just a few of the things that plagued my youth. Every time I was told ‘if I defended myself I would get in just as much trouble as those tormenting me’. Any idea how that affected me? well…. because of that system I began to think, ‘if I am not allowed to defend myself, that must mean I am not worth defending’. Depression and self doubt plagued me for the majority of my life (I still struggle with it today).
Now that I have kids I still hear about the same things happening in schools. I want to scream at the TV every time I see a so called ‘expert’ talking about those same coping methods when confronted with a bully. Walk away, tell an adult, stay away from that child. No one mentions, what should be, the final strategy (possible they are afraid of legal ramifications, or they just don’t think kids are smart enough figure out when to use that final step). If all else fails, DEFEND yourself, using EQUAL force, and just until you can get away again. Then start the check list all over again. The solution isn’t as simple as the zero tolerance policy’s, ‘a fight takes two kids’. In reality a fight does take two kids, but a beating can be done with only one side, and that isn’t taken into account. The solution to the problem of who is at fault, and who needs to learn what equal force means, is one that takes time to talk, teach, and get to know both children and why they have done, or are doing, the things they do. That the law itself allows for self defense, with the condition that you do not exceed the force put on you (don’t bring a gun to a fist fight), and you do not seek revenge. So why don’t we teach our kids something that even the law allows for. Are we that afraid that our children won’t need to learn these life skills, and they will suddenly know what to do when something really bad happens (attempted kidnappings, rape, or other events that the need to know to fight for their life).
I know from personal experience that being bullied feels like you have lost at the game of life. There were two things that saved me from ending it all. first of all, I knew what it was like to lose at little things. I also wasn’t a coward.
follow my train of thought here for a second. I was allowed to lose, and pick myself up and try to do better next time. I was allowed to cope with things that were unpleasant on my own. I was also encouraged and supported when I didn’t know how to cope. that allowed me to deal with suicidal thoughts for longer than I thought I would be able to, but it was that final ingredient that kept me going for years later. I knew that there were people out there that I would hurt as more than those kids hurt me, and I wasn’t them. I didn’t want to irreparably hurt others.
I am truly sad for those who have lost someone to suicide. I lost family to it, and I know the pain it caused us all. I saw the ripple effect that one little, but final, action drastically affected more people then you would think it would. I begged for death for years, and to be honest I still struggle with it. Like an addiction, I have become so accustom to the feeling that it feels weird without it. I, and many others out there, remember that you can’t just think about how hard things are just for you. That is the definition selfish. Before you act, think about how your actions will affect those around you. Life isn’t easy. It isn’t meant to be. If life was easy we would never learn. We would never grow as people, and reach our full potential.
( Here is where it ties together) This is what we need to teach our kids. We need to stop making life so easy for our kids. they need to help them understand that they are important, as is everyone else out there. They need to learn that everything they do have consequences. They need to learn how to work through things even if it is hard, or seems impossible.
I wan’t my kids to be kids, and that means they need to play. Kids learn how to interact with each other, overcome differences, accept people, and deal with life all through self guided play. We need to step back and give them the chance to deal with life on their own, but remain available to help talk it out when they need it, NOT bail them out of uncomfortable situations. They won’t learn if we always tell them what to do anytime a problem comes around.
I 100% think we need to take time to talk out the problems, and ask them what They Think potential solutions are, and then follow up with asking Them what they think the consequences would be if they do any of those solutions. It takes time to engage our kids like that, but it is important that we make the time (more important than almost all other things we adults put importance on). Kids won’t need this much attention everyday, but when they do, it is important to make time, somehow.
Will that stop suicides in children, teens and adults? Probably not. It will, however, give them the skills to stop and think about the consequences of whatever they are going to do, and hopefully make smarter, less lazy decisions about their life.
Ninhydren's thoughts 