Can’t Lose Even If You Tried

My kids are crazy when they play together. They have races and everything they do is either a win or not a win. I didn’t teach them that. I didn’t need to. It’s not just my kids that are all about competition. Their school friends also try to do things faster, better, further than all the other kids, but when it comes to schools and sports events people try to get rid of winners and losers all together. The funny part is that you know every kid there is keeping track of some part of the game. They may not get credit for the win, but they sure will know in their heads if they won or lost.

The years I worked in the schools, the more the school tried to squash competition the more the kids acted out on the playground. There were fights, and extra physical sports being played at recess and lunch. I also noticed that kids started having a hard time coping with the times they failed to keep up with their friends on the playground, didn’t catch that football, or when another team wins in one of their games.

We seem to be coddling our kids to much. We have been too careful trying to keep our kids from getting their feelings hurt; we ended up forgetting to teach them how to deal with not being the best at something. What happens to the kids when they get into the competitive job search, once they get out of school?

I firmly believe in completion, I just think we need a new way to look at what makes a winner. One school I worked at had constant fights during and after school. A good chunk of children we had in our schools were refugees from waring nations, and they did not like being close to “their” enemy. With some new systems for dealing with difficult situations, and helping those with PTSD, seemed to really be helping. But there was something missing so, some co-workers and I came up with a plan to allow kids to learn about winning and losing, while changing the way kids looked at competition. Within a couple of weeks fights on the playground, including racially driven fights, dropped significantly.  We were able to teach the kids a new way to look at winning, and a new way to look at each other.

The first thing we did was pick a sport(s) that no one could, or would, turn down. In our school basketball was the go to sport, so we started there (then we moved to dodgeball, football, and even yoga). Just a sport wouldn’t get kids to sign up for our tournament; we needed to come up with a reward for the winners. Our choice was a chance to play against the teachers, and principle in front of anyone in the school that wanted to watch. Then it was time to work out the rules and point system.

Every school has a favorite staff member. In our school it was one of our Educational Assistant (staff that assists students with special needs in the classroom). We used him to promote our tournament, and explain the rules. First of all WE choose who is in what team, they don’t even get to request someone to be on, or off, their team. We also made sure that our children with special needs signed up (that includes children who can’t move without assistance, to those students that have sever behaviour issues). Being able to control who was on what team we could make sure teams were evenly matched for a win. We also had the choice to put people that didn’t like each other, for whatever reason, on the same team. Originally the kids were concerned when they saw our list, but they all stuck with it.

Our point system was simple, and told to the kids upfront. First off we pick the teams (I already mentioned that). Second we only were working with our grade 4-6 kids, our grade 7 students signed up to referee the games and keep track of the points each team got (I’ll explain why we did that latter). The points were given out for showing up to play with your team, unless you were absent from school. A second point for teamwork; every person on your team HAS to touch the ball. A third point was given for sportsmanship; Show respect for the other team no matter what. A forth point was given for winning the game. These rules applied during the game, and for the rest of the school day. Teams could lose points if even one person was seen mocking other team mates, or getting in to fights with anyone. We had more kids sign up than we thought there would be, and all of them wanted to win.

The grade 7s didn’t get to participate in the playing of the game because we thought they would be old enough to handle responsibility that they may not have had before. They ran the games (we had too much fun jumping in and out of games, so we left our job to the kids. lol), gave us the points sheets, and the reason why they gave points the way they did. They were responsible for keeping an eye on the lower grades to make sure they didn’t lose points out on the playground, in the classroom, or after school.  They may not have played in the sport, but they got to learn a new way to play, and a new way to look at winning.

That first game went the way we thought it would. Talented kids tended to take the majority of the shots, got frustrated with the slower players, and were rude to the other team. We posted scores after every game, since we had so many teams we printed off the standings once a week. When the kids saw the rankings for the first time, and saw where they got point and were they lost points, they were shocked. A large group of the teams that won the game were at the bottom of the point’s board. They won the game, but that only gave them one point. Some of the teams that didn’t win a game were a head of the “winners” by a lot. The kids forgot one thing….Math. Most of the points we dealt out were for respect of everyone. There were three points just for respecting your team, your opposition, and everyone else in the school. It was then that the kids put two and two together and realized they really could win, even if they didn’t win. Fights on the playground were, more often, being stopped, not by a teacher or supervisor, but by the teammates that wanted to win. A person’s race became obsolete. The goal was to win. They were competing for a prize that only one team (occasionally two) got to win. They were competing with each other, not against each other anymore.

As the weeks progressed teams started working together, giving chances to children that otherwise would have no hope of playing a sport. The child I worked with had sever cerebral palsy and couldn’t move his arms or legs with much purpose. The children on his team gave him the ball often, and the other team would back up and cheer him on. They would give him a chance to pass the ball to his team by himself. It wasn’t out of pity that they stepped back; it was honest to goodness respect. They treated him like anyone else. They adapted to his abilities, and enjoyed seeing him smile as he pushed the ball off his lap to a friend. It wasn’t just the kid I was working with that got that kind of respect from the other children. The dynamics of the older grades changed. The kids started treating each other like people. Even in between tournaments, when there was nothing to win or lose, people became friends with others that they would have otherwise looked twice at.

The game wasn’t all lovey dovey. If there was a strong player that had the ball, or any fully able body child that knew how to play the game, the other team would go all out trying to win and take down the opposition. They loved the win, and learned from loss..

Was our tournament responsible for all the good that happened at that school? No, I don’t think so, but we were an important piece of a bigger system. There were a lot of things that changed at our school in that year, but I do believe without competition, and changing what winning actually means, the other methods we used would only go so far.

Awards were given in front of the entire school. Not all the players got a prize, but the ones that didn’t get a prize didn’t seem upset by it. Hopefully those kids took what they learned with them, and applied it to their entire life, but I’ll probably never know that. What I do know is that for those years they got to play or referee, there was a change in them and everyone became equal.

The New School Year Shuffle

Another school year has begun. Kids are back in their old classes and waiting for the next week when they get to go into their new classes for the year. I have heard parents complain that this week is a waste of every ones time, since the kids are in a circling pattern waiting for the “real” school year to start. I have even heard some parents’ question why they don’t just start school next week, or actually get kids into their new classes and start doing something productive right away.

Even if the kids aren’t learning anything in that first week…which they are…. That week being in their old class is essential for the entire school year, and class room dynamics. Teachers can work endlessly preparing for the next year, even have classes picked out for each and every kid at the beginning of the summer. They know what kids would thrive with another child, and what children would raise hell if put together. Problem is, until those warm little butts hit the chairs, the school has no actual idea how many kids are going to be in the school.

Over the course of the summer, many things can happen. Kids will move away, others will move to town, some will be pulled for home schooling, while others will change schools. In a perfect world the teachers, and school boards, would know all of this at the end of the year, but often registration will happen at the last second, or during summer when the schools aren’t in session. Some parents just don’t think about telling the schools when they are leaving town. So we come to the first week of school, and the number game begins.

The schools need to figure out how many students are actually going to be there (This year I heard of one school that had 20 unregistered students show up on the first day of school) Once they know that, they have to figure out what student goes into what classroom, because now we have new kids and lack of old kids to work around. Once the numbers are counted, the school board determines how many teachers need to be in each school. That means shuffling teachers around. If there aren’t enough students in a school, some teachers will need to be transferred out, or put back on the “teacher on call” list. If there are too many children, teachers will need to be hired, or shuffled from other schools.  Can you imagine that first week for teachers. The teacher with lowest sonority at a school waits and watches to see if there are enough students to fill their class, while others stare patiently at the job postings to see if there are any new full time jobs available.

It is the same for the staff that work with children with special needs (Educational Assistant, Teacher Assistant, Special Education Assistant, or whatever your district calls it). Some children will gain a designation, based on multiple factors, and some children will lose their designation. A child’s designation gives them a percentage of extra support time needed to help them succeed. For some children, the designation just mean they get help by going to a resource teacher every once in a while. For other children they could have funding for a “fulltime” designated Assistant. Others will lose that extra help, usually by the governments constantly changing definition of what counts as Special Needs, and how much help the children, supposedly, need (this is on a sweeping scale and has no actual bearing on each, actual, child’s needs. Nor does it mean that child actually gets their designated help since other children also need support, designation or not).

Special needs children, throw another wrench in the cogs of the number game. The teachers have tried to negotiate what a class should look like. They talk about the max amount of “regular” children that are allowed in each class, and how that will change when children with special needs are also allowed in the class, in an attempt to be fair to everyone and give them the best education they can. Let me make something perfectly clear here. When I am talking about children with special needs I am talking about everything from children that have difficulties in only one subject, all the way to the child that can’t move or eat. There is a full gambit of children in the middle of that mix: Children with violence issues, children that are dyslexic, children that run away a lot, children that are dying from a medical condition but are able to be in a regular classroom, children that are blind, hearing impaired…. (The reason children that have special needs are so important to have in a regular classroom will come in a different post)

With all that to do, it is amazing that they get that all done in one week.  So give it up for teachers. They don’t have an easy job during the beginning, middle, and end of the year.

Death Is Disturbing

A recent thread that showed up on my Facebook got me thinking about death. The conversation circled around some article that showed a dead child as a header. I don’t know what article or picture was used, and it doesn’t really matter. The point was, people were upset by the sight of this dead child, and offended that the picture was used without any warning of graphic content, or that Facebook didn’t shut the image down right away. News sights always put up a warning before you can view any images that could be deemed inappropriate for all audiences, but social media has no such warning. But why, in a world of video games, and movies that glorify death, do we take objection to yet another picture of a dead person up there for the world to see.  I can think of a few different reasons.

To understand people’s reaction to death I was always taught that psychologically we are OK with an older man’s dead body. We are more affected by the death of a woman. The death of a child is hard to handle for even the best at compartmentalising. The differences between sexes I don’t understand as much, but the child is much easier to explain. With a child there is more than just a loss of life. There is a loss of potential, of first experiences. A child is the future of the human race, as corny as that may sound in any other conversation. Putting a child’s body on display is taking the worst part of death and shoving in “our” faces.

There is something else about death that we don’t often see, unless we are part of the medical community, or forensic officers/techs. In the movies, and video games, death is big, it’s bloody (unless you turn down the blood level on the computer games) and it takes time. The truth about death is that it is silent, often devoid of any gore or action. Death happens in the blink of an eye. We are used to seeing the type of death that is less uncomfortable. No matter how good an actor or makeup crew may be, it is impossible to take the life out of a person. I call it a soul, others call it a spirit and some just say it is neurons firing, but it is there inside a person, and you can tell. It’s the subtlety of death that is the most disturbing.

Blood splattered all over a room is gross and might make some people upset. A body under a blanket is a little more disturbing than just blood. But if you do get a look at an actual body it can rock most people’s emotions, but the face…. Well the face is something different all together. The face is where the subtlety happens. The body is just a bag of flesh, bone, and skin, but when you look at a face you see the person behind the skin. In a picture, I find, you can see where that person once was, and aren’t anymore.

You can see it as it happens as well. There have been, more than there should be, videos of police shootings on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and anywhere else someone could find to post a video of death. That is where the lack of blood really comes into play. Normally we would expect to see a puff of blood or something, but all we get is a moving body stop dead in its tracks and fall.  When a boxer gets knocked down cold you can tell that he is under, but he is still in there. A man gets tazed and goes down, but normally we can still see a life in there.

I love a quote from the TV Series House. “There’s no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we’re 90, sometimes before we’re even born, but it always happens and there’s never any dignity in it! I don’t care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass… it’s always ugly – ALWAYS! You can live with dignity; you can’t die with it!”   Death can be messy. Death can be unfair. When it all comes down to it, there is no dignity in death, but when you’re dead you wouldn’t care about the aftermath (as far as bodily secretions, smell, and other unpleasant things). People who use death to get “likes”, “shares”, “re-tweets” and all other such things are not living with dignity. News companies that use a dead body to boost sales are not working with dignity (or at least they are in a moral, very, very gray area)

Real death is much creepier than the fake stuff. It takes a special person to deal with that time and time again, and it is really sad when it is sold for money or something stupider, 1000000 likes, or 5 min of fame.

Top Ten Pet Peeves

top ten pet peeves.

1)actors/directors: stop make people just randomly push buttons when playing a video game…its not how ANY game works. it just makes them look stupid

2) Roundabouts in Canada (more specifically BC): the joy of the single lane round about is that you no longer need to stop if no one is coming. If someone is in the loop you yield to the person, weather they are “turning left”. If you are willing to “Hollywood” stop at an actual stop sign, then you should be ready to do the same at a roundabout.

3) 2 lane roundabouts: Listen. when you are driving on the road and a corner comes up, are you allowed to just change lanes, even if someone is there? NO! so if you are in an outer lane DON’T cut the corner into my lane. If you don’t know how to use those, guess what, they have signs just before the roundabout (or at least they do in Squamish.

3) Driving on movies/tv shows: I hate watching a show where the actor is constantly turning the wheel, when the background shows you are going straight. The reverse can also be annoying (I know, little things aren’t they) I am willing to let the driver spend 3/4 of the time looking at their passenger (It barely gets a pass, but a only because they need eye to eye contact, occasionally, to sell connection to each other. I wish they could do it when they are stopped, but beggars and choosers right? lol)

4)stupidly unrealistic tech on tv/movies: I am sorry Enemy Of The State. but no one can recreate what is at the back of Will Smith’s bag. No matter how good your tech is. Exception to this rule would be sci-fi, cause as we know, anything goes when you are talking stupid distances into the future.

5)Environment: I am sorry. environment is important. Where I have the problem is when people forget that not everyone is going to agree with you. When that happens, what makes us who we are is our tendency to discuss issues, agree to disagree, or start bullying the other side with liable or slander forms of Defamation. They say that kids are mean, but adults are just as mean, and have connections to more than just the school kids to make your life hell.

6) Parents at playgrounds, number 1: Parents that don’t care what their kids do at the playground. The “other day” we were at a playground with our two kids and two friends that we were hanging out with. Near the end a group of 8-10 year old kids took over the little playground. That wasn’t really a problem UNTIL the kids started trying to stop everyone else from getting on the playground. Problem is, most of the ways to get up involved climbing up steep ladders, or the sort. if our kids were unsure about what was going on the one of the kids tried to push our kids off the ladder things. Normally I don’t scold other peoples kids, but when they are trying to push my kids of a high structure you bet I was going to say something. Turns out the kids dad was sitting on the other side of the playground just watching his kid try to bully my kids. NOT OK

7) Parents at playgrounds, number 2: Helicopter Parents that think their kids deserve to do everything first. Your kid is taking a few extra seconds to build up courage to go down the slide they either tell your kid to go, or move it on. The parent that encourages their kid to push, or pull kids. I’ll talk to kids, but only if my kids are being bullied, but…….. Bully helicopter parents suck.

8) facebook changing my news feed to top stories instead of, my preference, most recent.

9) People believe video games are ruining our kids minds. Video games have so many good qualities…most of them… But I’ve preached on that topic many times, and probably many times more in the future.

10) people that make top ten lists. lol actually I love High Fidelity and that was nothing but top ten lists…but most of the time they suck. lol